So finally I have crossed the threshold. For the last few weeks I was really confused as to what should I do after office and in the weekends. The MBA entrance exams are over so now I don't really have anything to do ( the office and work really suck ), I tried my hands at a host of things but failed miserably at everything. I was not able to summon enough patience to start any thing which was an unexplored territory for me, you know with age we lose our appetite for learning new things. so in that sense it was really a threshold for me and I am really happy to breach that.
Last few months have really been very eventful for me, they promised so much with their advent and the next few months will also be eventful because they will witness if the promises are kept or not. For the last 8 years I have been in a self conflict, the more I try to sort it out, the more grave it becomes. My indomitable spirit has kept telling me that one day I will sort it out and so in the process I have my selves afflicted my cause.
This mental imbroglio has even catapulted me to success but not the one that I want and I deserve. Being a perennial underachiever is tag associated with me which I hate more than anything in the world. I am trying to get rid of it for some time now, have tried each and every trick in the book but to no avail and to no success till now. It seems that the tag and me are more like the conjoined twins who have their fates scripted on the same page and cannot be separated.
The story goes long back, I have committed my share of mistakes, done things that should not have been done, got carried away in the moment thinking that living in the moment is what I am here for. At that time life was really charming and kind to me, the more i asked of it, the more I got. In the process I forgot my identity, lost my goal and kept flirting with myself. But as calender changed from year to another year I started realizing that life was not being kind to me, it was only a case of a creditor giving loan to a borrower. I kept on asking and it kept on giving and so I didn't even realize that I will have to repay the loan along with interest.
Consequently I started paying installments and now where I stand, I have wiped out the loan but the interest has grown exponentially. Life, which was once very kind to me is now behaving like an inexorable creditor asking for each and every penny, along with the interest, that it lent me and as story goes I am not able to wipe out my borrowings.
I richly deserve the comeuppance for what I did but now I am getting tired of this agony, this SELF CONFLICT. I have heard that everything comes to an end but when will this come to an end I don't really know. I have always been very mentally strong lad, I hated losing and had that typical Aussie never say die attitude but now the attitude is itself dieing. I am now bereft of ideas and the task at hand seems so daunting,herculean and arduous that I am getting intimidated. The rigors of life are taking a toll on me, my fighting spirit and my attitude.
To resurrect myself I have tried everything that I could contemplate. Robert frost once said " Two roads diverged in a wood, I took the road that was less traveled by, and that has made the difference"
I tried going the Frostian way by choosing the way that was less traveled, but now I feel that it has made the difference but in the opposite sense. I again made a mistake, perhaps I should have chosen the the tried and tested more traveled path because I see people who took the safer side, are happier and well to do in their lives. I wish conventional wisdom had ruled and I am still trying to understand and figure it out how it made a difference to Mr. Frost. May be it will make a difference to me also in the times to come, but after undergoing through such pain, agony and ignominy my optimism has also deserted me.
For the last few years I have worked harder and harder risking and consequently losing every prized possession I had for the childhood dream that I cherished and dreamt of realizing but now as the the things have turned out and unfolded I have always faltered in the final lap. The last dash to win a race is under the influence of adrenaline and I guess my physiology has never come across this term called adrenaline and so I am not able to pump it out when required.
The only thing I realize now is that I have been a victim at the hands of life, it has left me shaken and stirred, sucked out my spirit, my attitude and my soul. The quantum of punishment has been more than what I deserved and gradually me and my identity are fading in oblivion.
Year after year the tag of being unsuccessful is hurting me and the fighter within me is gasping for breath and a leash of new life.
I am left stranded in a desert and really don't know how and where to move and there are no mirages as well, which would have given me hope for some time at least. I don't know how to escape this situation. Will I be able to perform a HOUDINI'S ACT and come up all trumps, I don't really know. We will only see what fate has in store for me but I have completely lost the battle against the conspiracy of fate and life. Now the only thing that pops up in my mind is REDEMPTION. Will I be able to redeem myself, will I be able to stage one of the most remarkable comebacks that I have seen. If yes then I will again be the comeback king that once I used to be and was very fond of calling myself. But for now the word is REDEMPTION.
There is something still within me that urges that the PRODIGAL will return and silence all the murmurs and the critics once and for all. I don't know if that day is nigh or far but one thing is for sure, that moment will spell doomsday for the conspiracy life and fate has plotted against me. I am waiting for the fat lady to sing.
Signing off for now
Deep
24/01/2010
